Falling Star
by Richie S
Summary: Dawn StarSky at Dirge. Quite possibly the first ever Dawn Star angst fic.


I pondered the book that I held in my hands, a diary that I had bought upon arriving in Tien's Landing. I had gone through so much in such a short period of time that I wanted to put my thoughts unto paper to help me grieve for the loss of my friends and life back in Tien's Landing. After my initial entry which was therapeutic, I immediately began to see my dairy as a form of diversion, the Jade Empire was an amazing place with all kinds of people in it and I enjoyed recording the various events that happened to our expanding party of adventurers. I also enjoyed my diary because it allowed me to entertain the notion that I had had for a few years, that I would eventually write my memoirs and would be able to have them published via scroll stand at Two Rivers so that future generations would be able to learn from my experiences. However as I took up my pen I realized what I was about to write about was the last thing that someone would put down in their official memoirs. Yet like the tragedy at Two Rivers I had to get this down to help me cope with what had happened and what I had just done, I had lied.

Me, Dawn Star, devotee of the Open Palm, lover of nature and abhorrer of violence lied to a friend, a _close_ friend and not only did I lie I lied about something that was of the utmost importance to him. I told him that I loved him. While the results of what I said seemed innocent enough, Sky repeated the same thing to me and then took me by the hand led me to a tent where we proceeded to consummate our "love" for each other. I would be lying even more if I said that I did not enjoy it, but as a good as it felt I could not completely ignore the guilt that I felt, that I was manipulating Sky. This guilt was only compounded as after we had finished I was struck with a sudden sense of awkwardness, what does one say to the other person immediately after sex? I had no idea and my attempt to start such a conversation was ending in stuttering, thankfully Sky silenced me with a kiss and took the initiative of the conversation during which I was simultaneously amused by his irreverence and touched by his kindness and the depth of conversation that he was capable of. We talked for what seemed like an eternity as the flow and ebb of conversation eventually progressed to an end, as we finally laid their in silence I could feel Sky's hand beginning to explore my body. Sky was a master of more than just thievery as we made love for the second and final time that night, after which Sky mentioned tomorrow's battle and that the two of us both needed sleep to be able to fight. I tried to sleep but without any distractions I was forced to concentrate on what I had just done.

I did not regret losing my virginity, in fact that was something I enjoyed immensely, it was just that quite frankly Sky was not the person that I wanted to be lying next to right now, the person I wanted to be here with me was Ming and he was in a nearby tent with Lian instead of me. In spite of all I had said and done tonight my heart still beat for Ming, ever since the day where he rescued me from Gao the Lesser I had felt a stirring in my heart that I had never felt before. Even though I tried to deny it all the way up to the Imperial City, my feelings for him had blossomed from friendship to love. Falling in love with Ming felt so natural that I thought for sure that he felt the same way about me; I thought that opposing the two of us would be like trying to stop the changing of the seasons, it just was not possible. Subconsciously I already knew this was the reason that I had an aversion to Silk Fox, she was my rival for Ming and I had no doubt that Ming would chose me. I mean why would he chose a one-night stand, even I fit was with the Princess of the Empire over myself, his best friend and companion from childhood, with whom we had our entire lives to draw on as opposed to some woman he had just barely met. To me it was just a question of when Ming would choose me, but then the unthinkable happened, Ming chose her! What only intensified my pain was not that he had rudely rejected me, his rejection of me was actually very polite, which only served as a reminder of what was denied me. Tears rise to my eyes as I remembered the conversation between us in the City.

"We are friends Dawn Star, in fact we are more than friends," (my heart skipped before he could finish his sentence) for all practical purposes you are my sister." Hearing these words come Ming, as polite as they were felt as if I had been stabbed through the heart with Fortune's Favorite, but that was not the end of it. As Ming concluded what he was saying he turned and I saw his facial expression suddenly change and as I turned I saw that he had made eye contact with Silk Fox, who also bore a bizarre look on her face. They said nothing to each other and they did not need to, the way I felt about Ming was not the he felt about me, his heart belonged to the interloper and I was left feeling like I lost a part of me. For since the very horizon of my memory Ming had been an integral part of my life and now the era was over, I had been replaced. The gaping maw in my heart was unbearable; I was willing to do anything to fill it. My reverie was soon interrupted by Sky's voice.

"Dawn Star!" I slowly raised my head at the sound of my name, "are you alright? You look upset; do you want to talk about it?" Truth be told at that time I did not want to talk about anything, I just wanted to sit and think of ways to fill the gaping hole in my heart when I suddenly realized Sky could provide an expectable substitute, like Ming, Sky was my friend, and he certainly was an attractive man with no shortage of charm and knowone else was even available. As I approached Sky I dropped my eyes and gave an appreciative look at muscular anatomy and then raised my eyes and flashed a mischievous smile. Sky's sudden change of facial expression showed that he had picked up on the hint. I started a conversation their with Sky that I was determined to parlay into something more and I succeeded.

But if I succeeded then why do I still have the negative feeling? Sky was incredible and as a woman he excelled in every quality that I found appealing, yet he simply is not the one that I want. In spite of all that we had done with other people I am still in love with Ming and no matter how good Sky is he could never truly measure up and be equal to Ming who is the love of my life, Sky simply isn't, he is just… something, something to fill the void that Ming left behind. The void that Ming left behind is suddenly filled with something else, guilt. Sky is my friend, a _good_ friend and this was before I shared his bed. I have always been introverted and had trouble making friends and to go from being a complete stranger to a good friend with this man after one long conversation where we exchanged our respective Gao stories meant something special. I had cheapened our friendship by putting up a façade of affection and pretending to love him when in truth I simply did not want to be left alone. During the conversation from the Imperial City to Dirge that climaxed with "I love you" I had seduced Sky via conversation, pouring out my life's story before him and he had responded in kind with tales of his childhood, his daughter and his life for the last eight years. I realized that I had caused Sky to fall in love with an imaginary person, the person he thought I was. Granted I was deeply touched and moved by what he said, I was moved a friend and only as a friend. Yet despite my true feelings I led him on, all because I did not get my way and could not stand to be alone, so instead of sulking in piece I had selfishly manipulated a good friend into falling in love with an imaginary person just so I could get my way. The maw that Ming left now feels like a gap, and form this gap the bile now rises, I barely manage to throw on my clothes before I stumble out of the tent and force the vomit from my body.

Before I can turn and get back into the tent I feel two strong arms encircling my waist. The concern in Sky's voice is evident "Dawn Star! Are you feeling well?" The guilt balloons in my heart and as I turn to face Sky and see the look of plain concern on his face I realize that I could never break the heart of this man, even if he is not the man I love. Plastering a happy look on my face, I embrace Sky and whisper something about nerves.


End file.
